The Unofficial Coffee Shop Tutorial

Hi! Do you enjoy coffee? Do you like for other people to brew it for you? Then have we got a blog post for you!

As some of you may know, I work in a coffee shop on campus called Bidgood Bistro (located in Bidgood, whaddya know). We brew Starbucks coffee, but this does not make us a Starbucks. It makes us a Bidgood.

Every day, I deal with our awesome regulars, average people who just want to get something to eat and maybe coffee, and absolute morons who cannot seriously be paying this much to not be educated in college. And when it comes to the morons, my coworkers and I make fun of them as soon as they walk out of earshot, because seriously, this is not rocket science. It is ordering coffee.

In a conversation yesterday with the afternoon crew (me and two girls my age), we joked that we should make a coffee shop tutorial that covers the basics of not getting made fun of by your baristas. After some serious thought yesterday and today, I realized I have the perfect outlet for this! So I present to you:

The Unofficial Coffee Shop Tutorial!

(Anyone in food service can understand this, I hope.)

1.) Upon Walking In

You have walked into the coffee shop. NOW STOP. Before you do anything else, look at the menu. This is of utmost importance. This magical poster behind the counter tells you everything that this shop offers! This way, you can try something new, or see if they have what you like. If what you want is not on this amazing feat of technology, DO NOT ASK FOR IT.

I don't care how many times you ask if there's any way I can make you a Passion Tea Lemonade. There isn't. We don't offer it. Nor do we offer Frappuccinos. I know, we have a lot of cups that say "We Proudly Brew Starbucks Coffee", and it can be confusing, but unless you see a giant sign over my head that says STARBUCKS, this is not a Starbucks. More importantly, Frappuccino is not on the menu. So stop ordering it and then getting confused when I tell you we don't have that. Take a look at the menu so you can have an idea of what you want when there is a giant fucking line behind you.

Also, if you order a Creamice (our blended coffee drink), please do not ask me what the flavors are. THEY ARE ON THE MENU. THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE LOOKED AT WHEN YOU WALKED IN. Is this really a difficult concept? I can explain everything to you, yes, but that is what the menu is for. If you have a question about it (like, "Why don't you make Frappuccinos?"), I don't mind answering. But when you say, "What kinds of Creamice do you have?" you really make me want to swivel around and point at the GIANT MENU behind me. Start checking it.

2.) Ordering Your Drink

One of my favorite stories is about a girl who came in looking distressed. When I asked for her order, she told me and my coworker, "Yesterday, I ordered iced coffee, and they gave me coffee with ice in it, and that's not what I wanted."

Needless to say, we were baffled.

So since this girl is (sadly) not alone in missing the logic centers of her brain, let us explain a few coffee terms.

"Iced coffee" = brewed coffee with ice in it (most espresso drinks come iced, which means it is a normal drink with ice in it)
"Blended coffee/beverages" = a coffee drink (usually espresso) that has been put in a blender with ice (like a Frappuccino, btw)

If you want a blended drink, do not ask for iced coffee. Because we will give you coffee with ice in it. Because that's what you asked for. Also, do not ask me about the state of ice in a blended drink. "So, is the ice blended in a blended drink?" I want you to pretend that someone else asked you that before you let that sentence leave your mouth, and how you would respond to that. Now you know exactly what your barista holds back every. single. time someone asks him/her that question and how stupid it makes you sound.

Baristas are pretty cool about customizing your coffee. We joke about complicated orders, but really the most hassle during the process is writing it down on the side of the cup. But you really have to let us know what you want when we ask. If you didn't want whipped cream on top of a drink that gets whipped cream as a standard, let us know when you order it, not when we bring it out to you. Because trust me, there is nothing more annoying than making a fussy drink with whipped cream on top and then having your customer go, "Oh, I didn't want that." Or, "Oh, did I mention I want an extra shot?" (Please never do this, because an extra espresso shot costs extra.) Or, "Oh, can you make the syrup sugar-free?" No, I cannot, because the drink is already made. I cannot change the molecules of your drink, hard as I try.

3.) Paying For Your Order

"Is that all for you?" means "Is there anything else you want before I ring you up?" Please keep this in mind. Do not tell me yes when at the moment I slide your card you are going to ask for a bag of chips. Get the bag of chips before I ring you up. I know that you might second-guess yourself on what you're buying (I do it all the time), but the time for that is not when the cashier is putting your cash in the till.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Me: "Hi, what can I get for you?"
Customer: *hands me their card*
Me: "Okay, will that be all for you?"
Customer: "Yes, that's it. Can I get a drink too?"

Usually, when we ask "Is that all?", we have already punched in your order. When you say yes, we hit the Pay Options button and start your payment. If you add something on to that as we are sliding your credit card, it takes more time to cancel out the payment, go back, punch in your new item, and re-slide the credit card.

Also, if you hand me cash and I'm putting it in my drawer and getting your change, I cannot take your credit card. I've already taken your cash. Please do not ask me if I can use your card instead. You've already paid. Similarly, when your credit card receipt is printing, I cannot take your cash. STOP ASKING OMG. You'd think that this wouldn't happen that often, but it happens at least once a freaking rush, and sometimes it is even with the people who are all, "yeah, that's all. OH WAIT", which is even more frustrating. Make up your minds, people!

This concludes your Unofficial Coffee Shop Tutorial. If you have any other questions about how to not be a complete douche at a coffee shop, feel free to ask and I will be more than happy to inform you.

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I really wish that this wasn't necessary. How hard is it to look at the fucking menu when you walk into a shop? But apparently it is Nintendo Hard or something, because I cannot tell you how many times people try to order something that is nowhere on the menu. Or, "Is the Creamice cold?" IT HAS THE WORD ICE IN THE FUCKING NAME, WHAT DO YOU THINK.

Sadly, I have been asked about blended beverages far too many times than my brain likes to recognize. "Is the ice blended in the blended drink?" No, we just call it that for shits and giggles. It's really just a solid chunk of coffee that we chip off for you. "Is the iced coffee cold?" I cannot make this shit up, ladies and gentlemen.

Is our education system really that bad? These people are in college. This is a college campus. How smart are we asking our college students to be? How the fuck did they get here in the first place? LOGIC: PLEASE USE IT.

Anyway, I've got to start dinner and do some knitting, so I'll write you later sometime. Ciao.

Knitting knitters who knit (thoughts on you-know-what)

You know what I have become addicted to? Cotton. And coasters. Holy hell, coasters are easy to make. I bought a variegated 100% cotton yarn in sunny colors and have been whipping up coasters like nobody's business. They are SO EASY OMG. Plus they are crazy useful. God knows we need some funky cotton coasters up in this apartment. So do you want bright spicy little things to keep your table- and desktops from condensation and water rings? Do I have the pattern for you!

Ingredients:
Worsted-weight 100% cotton yarn
Size 5 straight needles

Recipe:
Cast on 20 stitches using whatever cast-on floats your boat.
Row 1: *k1, p1; rep from * to end.
Row 2: *p1, k1; rep from * to end.
Repeat rows 1 and 2 until you've got a nice even square.
Bind off in pattern.
Place around your home in attractive manner and enjoy!

Cotton is super-durable and holds up so nicely to glasses of water, beer bottles, milk, everything. Plus they add a little je ne sais quoi to your home, especially if you choose the color just right. I am in love.

I still have a metric ton of cotton (or so it seems, anyway) left over from the lampshade, so I think next will be a funky yellow-and-white bath mat, because my bathroom needs one! Excited. It'll be thick and textured and I'll probably have to buy some sticky mat paper to put under it so it won't slide around. Man, I am becoming my own personal interior decorator. My sister must be so jealous.

Oh, speaking of my sister, she's been invited to go to NYC this summer for a two-week design course made for high-schoolers. It's quite a bit of money, but it would be a huuuuuge opportunity for her, so I really hope she can go. Plus, NYC, which is second only to Paris in my sister's dreams (understandably).

On Paris, I'm going to spend my summer learning French and knitting up a France wardrobe, because I find that if I actually start doing stuff to advance towards a goal it is more likely I will actually accomplish said goal. (Who knew?) So France is on the radar officially. I'll buy one of those "Teach yourself French!" systems they sell in the school bookstore or something. Or I'll get a tutor, but I'm pretty sure that would actually be more expensive. As for the knitting, that's where Kristeen Griffen-Grimes becomes my best friend (omg ilu so much Kristeen, SO MUCH). I have her book French Girl Knits and I'm planning on making Anjou in the near future (google it because I do not feel like linking right now). Also, maybe I might save up for some Lorna's Laces at the LYS here in Tuscaloosa so I can make another colorful Clapotis, because the Silk Garden one is HEAVEN. I love wearing it and showing it off.

But yeah, Kristeen, you are my knitting heroine and I want to be you when I grow up. Anisette is lovely and if I could afford all the Rowan yarns you have such an affinity for I would make it, Satine, and Viola like, yesterday. If you are not Kristeen and have no idea what I'm talking about, here's her website where you can see her sheer awesomeness. Will you love her? If you are anything like me, YES OMG YES.

So there's about a frajillion more things I could say, but my hands are itching for yarn and I have a cardi pattern calling my name right now. Toodles, kiddies, and I'll see you later.

PS. I know that Kristeen did not actually do the Clapotis pattern; that was the amazing Kate Gilbert. ilu too, Kate.

"It's because Shirou said they looked good on me."

Say it with me now: awwwwwww.

Just finished episode 11 of Fate/stay night and Saber is the badass I want to be when I grow up, homg. She is the coolest ever. Although Rider's got some lurking awesome in her, too. And let's not forget Rin, the Tsundere rival girl. Damn, girls of FSN, why you all so cool?

Last night I spontaneously got tired of my hair and so I cut it. Keep in mind this is the first time I ever cut my own hair, ever, and that I am too broke to go to my usual salon (which means that when I finally go back Heather will be all, "what the HELL did you do to yourself?!"). I meant to just trim it, but now a few inches have been taken off and it's rather shorter. I like it. Pictures will be upcoming as soon as I can take a decent one.

I realized I didn't explain the story of why I'm knitting a lampshade (you heard me), so here goes. For Christmas, my little sister got me a book of knitting patterns for the home by Suss Cousins (Home Knits, in case you were curious). It has some truly gorgeous things and some highly practical things, sometimes even combining the two which I consider a success.

One of the first patterns in the book is for a striped cotton lampshade. I know Matt's mom loves homemade and vintage things, and his parents had me over to share Thanksgiving with them, so I thought that this would be a suitable thank-you present - also, I really like Matt's mom and I knit things for the people I like! (FYI, Matt's getting some gloves as soon as I get the money to order the yarn.) So I went out and bought some worsted-weight 100% cotton yarn and got cracking.

It's a very sunny yellow and white combination, which I think suits her really well. It's bright and lovely and happy. I'd prefer a darker color for contrast, but it's really hard not to like this happy yellow color. I'm knitting it while watching FSN, which is double bonus, I think.

Today, I think I'll leave you all with a video I posted on Twitter yesterday: happy manta rays jumping out of the water and flapping around! If this doesn't put a smile on your face, you are lying to me. Ta!

A (Far Too) Comprehensive Look at My Day

Today officially began the Great Job Hunt of 2010 for Dom and Matt. I dropped off an application at Victoria's Secret and made sure I was remembered, so hopefully I'll get a call for interviews soon, especially because the manager who took my app said to expect one week after next. They'll be group interviews too, so fab, I suppose.

Matt had a considerably less awesome day - he locked his keys in his car at the restaurant he went to, paid $40 for a guy basically to break into his car for him, and then had to go get his oil filter changed because yesterday they wouldn't do it. Yeah. So when he got back to his place, I tried to cheer him up with the usual girlfriend antics - hugs, cuddling, putting on Yu Yu Hakusho. (It worked.)

Speaking of Yu Yu, Matt got me into it (obvs) and homg hilarious. But still awesome! We're at the end of the Dark Tournament and I am so hooked it's scary. The humor translates really well, and the characters are actually interesting. (We're past that whole era where it was really dorky to love anime, right? Because I've got some serious anime crushes and if anyone makes fun of me over it, I swear I will go crazyscary!Dom on their asses.)

Also started Fate/stay night - the anime, not the game - and I'm pretty in love with that too. Very dark, very interesting, and very mytho-centric, which is a sure hit with me. I'm obsessed with mythology; have been since a very young age. Anything that references mythology is something that has me going, "omg what did you see that?" in a very good way. It's the reason I love Arthur, King of Time and Space so much. A webcomic about King Arthur in various retellings? Sign me up! As soon as Guinevere and Lancelot realized they were in love (dude, I am not even spoiler-tagging that, because if you don't know that then there is clearly no help for you in the pop culture department), I starting fangirling something FIERCE.

Ahem. Anyway. Fate/stay night.

I just finished episode 4, and I want to watch episode 5 sometime when my body isn't "OMG I AM NOT USED TO BEING THIS ACTIVE GO BACK TO KNITTING". I'm interested to find out who Saber and Archer are - I'm flipping through my mental database of both mythological and historical heroes that fit their descriptions, but so far nada. Then again, Cuchulainn was a blue-haired, red-eyed dude with a Tamahome ponytail, so this may be more difficult that previously anticipated. Maybe I should just wait.

On the knitting front, I had to rip out this lampshade start FOUR TIMES CHRIST. First two times, the cast-on edge just wasn't right; third time, it was the wrong gauge; last time, I misread the directions and knit too many rows in one color, so I had to rip out over ten rows of stockinette. Keep in mind it's 72 stitches per row, and then I had to reinsert the needle because I am really tired of casting on. Now I finally have it where I want it, but all that work for five rows? aaaarrrrgh. Lace knitting is less stressful than this, I swear. Which reminds me, now that I have size 4s, I should get crackin' on that Swallowtail again. (One of my 4s broke before which left me all D:-faced, but now that I have a new pair of interchangeables I can go back to it.)

Okay, I think that's enough for one day, especially on so much. Maybe tomorrow my day will be more interesting and less hectic? I did schedule a coffee date with Trey (not to be confused with a real date), which means that I will probably go back to my usual plans of crossword-solving and knitting in Starbucks (shut up it's in the student center and has huge windows to let light in; I gravitate towards light) like I used to before my month-long break at home. Oh routine, I missed you so.

As a parting gift, I leave you the video of one of my favorite artists, Zee Avi, covering Morrissey's song "First of the Gang to Die". If you're familiar with Zee Avi, YEAH I KNOW. It's really great, too. Enjoy, and good night!

Relock and Reload (or Why Do I Always Seem to Revamp My Life After Hangovers?)

I'm starting over with this blog.

It came to me after reading What Claudia Wore intermittently all weekend ("But Dominique," you might say, "it's only 2:30 in the afternoon on Sunday." To which I would explain that my weekend started Wednesday night, when I got back to my apartment after a very interesting Christmas break with my family. Also, because shut up) that I would love to be one of those cool blogging people with their crazy blogging stories and whatnot. And then I realized that I had a blog, but most of the posts were kinda angry and bitchy in tone. Plus it was "opinions only hurr" which I quite frankly suck at. Yeah, I get a little squicked over the navel-gazing of the personal blog sometimes, but man do I love to talk about myself! (just like everyone else on the internet.)

So here I am, re-introducing you to my life, o humble reader who may not even exist. I don't really have a catchy schtick or anything, but I do like to think I have a wry outlook that gets me through a lot - which is great in my life.

The Cast (of my life, yeah, I know, don't judge me):

Dominique - this is me, starring role, ta-da! Twenty-one, sometimes college student who is currently not in school because of some runaround with the Receivables department at Alabama. Looking for a job, likes to knit, likes to write (le duh), sing, music (om nom nom), the usual. I also like to live above my means, which sometimes gets me into trooouuuuble. Right now I am just trying to get through with a few luxuries (I had to forgo lamb at the grocery store and my face looked like this: ;_;), most of which are hand-knitted by yours truly. I have a weakness for Jack Daniels (don't we all), Noro yarns, Riesling, Ella Fitzgerald, and books. omg books. My room is full of them, which sucks when you don't have a bookshelf to put them in quite yet. Also have a weakness for my adorably crazy boyfriend.

Which leads me to the supporting cast.

Matt - aforementioned adorably crazy boyfriend. He's actually really good at being the level-headed rationale to my crazy babblings and emotional outbursts (I'm working on it). Really funny, really cute, makes me really happy. To give you an idea of what our relationship is like, for Christmas he gave me a Catwoman comic that I had not previously read (I'm a DC comic book junkie, and I ell oh vee ee LOVE Catwoman. She's been my superstar heroine/idol since I saw Michelle Pfeiffer do her up with style in Batman Returns at the tender age of four). I gave him a laser-guided NERF gun with suction darts. Matt and Dom: clearly the couple everyone wants to be. He makes silly faces all the time, too, which my roomie/biff adores. He's an actor, double-majoring in theater and psychology. (Yeah, puts my solo English major to shame.) In short: best boyfriend ever.

Danie - Roomie #1 and one of my closest friends here. Danie is supertinyomg and super-adorable. She looks a lot like Audrey Hepburn and Natalie Portman. Danie is so slim she gives solid-size-4 me a complex when we stand next to each other in front of a mirror. Yeah. Also an English major, also a poet. She has an unhealthy love for lolcats, but who doesn't? Besides, it's adorable when she comes in my room asking for noms. Danie doesn't know how to cook anything more complex than canned soup. It's really fun watching her make mac and cheese. (I've tried to stop intervening.) I introduced her to Pizza Rolls and she thinks they are the food of the gods. She's hipster but so aware; she used to be the picture of Southern Belle du Jour (born and raised in Georgia) but has given up pageants and sororities for skinny jeans and scarves. We are fashion junkies of the worst kind.

Ward - Danie's boyfriend. I actually met Ward first, but since Danie and I are cosmic soul twins, she kind of took over my life via osmosis. Ward's a writer and English major, like everybody I know zomg I am in English major hell. (AKA Morgan Hall.) He's funny and weird; rides a bike everywhere; tries to get Danie into biking, but whenever the subject comes up Danie makes the scared pouty Danie face and it drops. He knows all sorts of random shit that may or may not actually be useful but is hella fun.

Josh - Roomie #2 and the guy I share a bathroom with. Josh says shit that makes you think "that is not right and I am going to hell for laughing at this" but dear god is it funny. One time our apartment complex left us a note for leaving the trash on the front walkway and Josh wrote a response on the back of it. It was so wrong (made reference to "Jew gold") but Danie and I fucking howled. We still recite it to each other when we're in a good mood. Josh is attractive and knows it.

Scott - Roomie #3, shares a bathroom with Danie. Scott is gay and omg if you can't tell it is time to replace your brain with one that wasn't handed to you by Igor that morning. He's in the marching band, which is no small feat especially when you go to Alabama. Hipster-fab cranked up to eleven. He's sarcastic and bitchy and it works. Is also completely in lust with Josh - the not-so-secret of our living arrangements.

Tifarah - Tiff and I have been best friends forfuckingever since we were twelve and suffering through middle school gym. (That means we'll have known each other ten years this fall oh jesus I am getting old.) I cannot find words to describe Tifarah because I know her so well. She's blunt and has never minced words or fucked around with someone's head. Everyone knows exactly where they stand with her. She loooooves horror movies (and Twilight, yeah, I don't know) and scary stories. What's funny is that she's really jumpy, so post-horror movie is usually hilarious in an unintentional way. She and I sometimes are not allowed next to each other in movie theaters because we will Mystery Science Theater all over that shit. I'm pretty sure that Tifarah has more knitted stuff from me than anyone else because omg she LOVES it. She knits too, but not like I knit (I don't know anyone who knits like I do except maybe Colleen, my young aunt). She's planning on an apartment in New York with me one day, which sounds great but I don't know what I'll do. Lives in my hometown of San Antonio, which is sad because I don't get to see her often but she's such a visible presence in my life that it doesn't really matter.

Pablo - Is the leader of the "living above our means" movement in my life. Pablo and I like the finer things in life; unfortunately we can't afford most of them. We think we should be trust fund babies. Pablo loves suits like some boys love jeans. He's a ladies' man extraordinaire (I'm a flirt; we balance each other out). An example of me and Pablo: he drove over to Alabama from San Antonio for a masquerade ball I was planning. It went off fabulously and Pablo and I stole the show. He's all European intellectual, philosopher, Napoleon-lover (we both adore the name Josephine), adorer of art (real art, not most modern art), jack of all trades.

Trey - Close friend who is hipster MAX. Oh god, there are not words for how hipster Trey is. Yet somehow I overlook it, mostly because he's funny and always has something to say. Trey's like Awkward McAnxietypants, but it's sweet, really. He and I got each other through tough times in our lives and have since bonded. I keep saying that he's like the socially awkward little brother I never had (my real little brother is pretty cool and chill).

Whitney - Another one of my good friends. Funny enough, she's actually known Matt much longer, but Whitney and I get along so well (I sense a trend). She's such an alcoholic that it hurts, but somehow it's okay because it's Whitney. She crochets and dabbles in knitting, so we share crafty stuff together. We usually hang out with all the guys, even though she and Maggie and I want some time to ourselves.

Maggie - Awesome McAwesomesauce. We don't hang out as much as I'd like but hopefully we will switch that up.

Bryan, Jarrett, Robert, Paul - friendses who have the awesomes. I would describe them in length but I am exhausted and you are probably thinking, "holy shit, this post is long, does she ever shut up?"

There's a lot more, but as mentioned: exhausted. Plus I'm still recovering from a messy drunk night (one of those nights where you drag yourself across the floor when you arrive at your place at 3 am shouting, "I'M SUCH A WHOOOOOOOORE...!" Every time this happens, I tell myself I won't do it again, and then a few months later I'm ordering McDonald's in an attempt to appease my stomach), so I want some time to just me, thank you, to knit or watch TV or both. I have a lace scarf that needs work and a lampshade to start (long story, will explain later).

Okay. I feel better already about this. Let's go.