The Unofficial Coffee Shop Tutorial

Hi! Do you enjoy coffee? Do you like for other people to brew it for you? Then have we got a blog post for you!

As some of you may know, I work in a coffee shop on campus called Bidgood Bistro (located in Bidgood, whaddya know). We brew Starbucks coffee, but this does not make us a Starbucks. It makes us a Bidgood.

Every day, I deal with our awesome regulars, average people who just want to get something to eat and maybe coffee, and absolute morons who cannot seriously be paying this much to not be educated in college. And when it comes to the morons, my coworkers and I make fun of them as soon as they walk out of earshot, because seriously, this is not rocket science. It is ordering coffee.

In a conversation yesterday with the afternoon crew (me and two girls my age), we joked that we should make a coffee shop tutorial that covers the basics of not getting made fun of by your baristas. After some serious thought yesterday and today, I realized I have the perfect outlet for this! So I present to you:

The Unofficial Coffee Shop Tutorial!

(Anyone in food service can understand this, I hope.)

1.) Upon Walking In

You have walked into the coffee shop. NOW STOP. Before you do anything else, look at the menu. This is of utmost importance. This magical poster behind the counter tells you everything that this shop offers! This way, you can try something new, or see if they have what you like. If what you want is not on this amazing feat of technology, DO NOT ASK FOR IT.

I don't care how many times you ask if there's any way I can make you a Passion Tea Lemonade. There isn't. We don't offer it. Nor do we offer Frappuccinos. I know, we have a lot of cups that say "We Proudly Brew Starbucks Coffee", and it can be confusing, but unless you see a giant sign over my head that says STARBUCKS, this is not a Starbucks. More importantly, Frappuccino is not on the menu. So stop ordering it and then getting confused when I tell you we don't have that. Take a look at the menu so you can have an idea of what you want when there is a giant fucking line behind you.

Also, if you order a Creamice (our blended coffee drink), please do not ask me what the flavors are. THEY ARE ON THE MENU. THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE LOOKED AT WHEN YOU WALKED IN. Is this really a difficult concept? I can explain everything to you, yes, but that is what the menu is for. If you have a question about it (like, "Why don't you make Frappuccinos?"), I don't mind answering. But when you say, "What kinds of Creamice do you have?" you really make me want to swivel around and point at the GIANT MENU behind me. Start checking it.

2.) Ordering Your Drink

One of my favorite stories is about a girl who came in looking distressed. When I asked for her order, she told me and my coworker, "Yesterday, I ordered iced coffee, and they gave me coffee with ice in it, and that's not what I wanted."

Needless to say, we were baffled.

So since this girl is (sadly) not alone in missing the logic centers of her brain, let us explain a few coffee terms.

"Iced coffee" = brewed coffee with ice in it (most espresso drinks come iced, which means it is a normal drink with ice in it)
"Blended coffee/beverages" = a coffee drink (usually espresso) that has been put in a blender with ice (like a Frappuccino, btw)

If you want a blended drink, do not ask for iced coffee. Because we will give you coffee with ice in it. Because that's what you asked for. Also, do not ask me about the state of ice in a blended drink. "So, is the ice blended in a blended drink?" I want you to pretend that someone else asked you that before you let that sentence leave your mouth, and how you would respond to that. Now you know exactly what your barista holds back every. single. time someone asks him/her that question and how stupid it makes you sound.

Baristas are pretty cool about customizing your coffee. We joke about complicated orders, but really the most hassle during the process is writing it down on the side of the cup. But you really have to let us know what you want when we ask. If you didn't want whipped cream on top of a drink that gets whipped cream as a standard, let us know when you order it, not when we bring it out to you. Because trust me, there is nothing more annoying than making a fussy drink with whipped cream on top and then having your customer go, "Oh, I didn't want that." Or, "Oh, did I mention I want an extra shot?" (Please never do this, because an extra espresso shot costs extra.) Or, "Oh, can you make the syrup sugar-free?" No, I cannot, because the drink is already made. I cannot change the molecules of your drink, hard as I try.

3.) Paying For Your Order

"Is that all for you?" means "Is there anything else you want before I ring you up?" Please keep this in mind. Do not tell me yes when at the moment I slide your card you are going to ask for a bag of chips. Get the bag of chips before I ring you up. I know that you might second-guess yourself on what you're buying (I do it all the time), but the time for that is not when the cashier is putting your cash in the till.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Me: "Hi, what can I get for you?"
Customer: *hands me their card*
Me: "Okay, will that be all for you?"
Customer: "Yes, that's it. Can I get a drink too?"

Usually, when we ask "Is that all?", we have already punched in your order. When you say yes, we hit the Pay Options button and start your payment. If you add something on to that as we are sliding your credit card, it takes more time to cancel out the payment, go back, punch in your new item, and re-slide the credit card.

Also, if you hand me cash and I'm putting it in my drawer and getting your change, I cannot take your credit card. I've already taken your cash. Please do not ask me if I can use your card instead. You've already paid. Similarly, when your credit card receipt is printing, I cannot take your cash. STOP ASKING OMG. You'd think that this wouldn't happen that often, but it happens at least once a freaking rush, and sometimes it is even with the people who are all, "yeah, that's all. OH WAIT", which is even more frustrating. Make up your minds, people!

This concludes your Unofficial Coffee Shop Tutorial. If you have any other questions about how to not be a complete douche at a coffee shop, feel free to ask and I will be more than happy to inform you.

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I really wish that this wasn't necessary. How hard is it to look at the fucking menu when you walk into a shop? But apparently it is Nintendo Hard or something, because I cannot tell you how many times people try to order something that is nowhere on the menu. Or, "Is the Creamice cold?" IT HAS THE WORD ICE IN THE FUCKING NAME, WHAT DO YOU THINK.

Sadly, I have been asked about blended beverages far too many times than my brain likes to recognize. "Is the ice blended in the blended drink?" No, we just call it that for shits and giggles. It's really just a solid chunk of coffee that we chip off for you. "Is the iced coffee cold?" I cannot make this shit up, ladies and gentlemen.

Is our education system really that bad? These people are in college. This is a college campus. How smart are we asking our college students to be? How the fuck did they get here in the first place? LOGIC: PLEASE USE IT.

Anyway, I've got to start dinner and do some knitting, so I'll write you later sometime. Ciao.